Pants on Fire!!!

I am always very offended by people who tell me they love parsnip. Do I look that dumb to you? No one likes parsnip! You are an absolute liar! Why have you spent hours slaving in a hot kitchen to create a wonderful roast with gorgeous, tasty vegies only to ruin it all with the freaky albino version of the carrot? Carrots are great raw or cooked just add more of those in. I was really looking forward to this dinner and now you've gone and spoiled my whole day with your stupid excuse for a root vegetable. They are not even edible. I think it's false advertising to put them in the fruit and veg section. They taste revolting and you feel like you're gnawing on a green sapling.

Don't lie to me! I know you don't really like them because nobody could! You're just trying to make me feel guilty for not loving all vegetables but I will not be fooled by your ruse. Begone I say! You and your pathetic excuse for food can go back to the pit from whence you came!


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Ode To The Lost

Now that I have written the title I realise that I am currently at a loss as to what conventions constitute an ode, in fact the following post it totally void of any recognised poetic meter, rhythym or rhyme, so really I am just having a whinge. Enjoy.

Just to clarify about the title- although this is not an ode, it is still to The Lost.

Setting: The Couch of a good friend of P's and mine. 
A couch that has been frequented whenever in need of a good cathartic experience.

We only just met - I think that is the nail that shoots the sharpest pain in the chest. This is too soon, this separation is far too soon. I didn't like you at first. My taste is simplicity, easy and here you come shouldering into my life with all your complexities. You never seemed to respond the same way twice.  There were days that I wanted to scratch out your eyes, throw you against the wall, break your face.  I am so use to be the person with the power, the one in control, and then you manage to push all my buttons.

Then it changed. I can't say when or how exactly, but I realise now that I loved you. I never told you.  I miss you,  your form, the way you feel in my hands, your smooth cherry black complexion.  You helped me when I was lost - what am I supposed to do now when I don't remember my way home? You kept me organised, with you gently waking me every morning I was never late for anything.  I loved spending Sunday mornings in bed with you - just laying there for hours, listening to music.

Now, so suddenly, you're gone. Dead.
Dead in the toilet, and nothing can resurrect you. Not even two days in a bag of rice. I can't replace you, my
Nokia E97.

I feel like crying.

Confessions Part II

"These are my confessions"- Usher

I would like to publicly confess to a murder that I committed a few months ago. )Well technically it wasn't a murder as it was an accident but I can't call it manslaughter either because I killed a seagull not a man.) The incident took place before the slaying of the mouse referred to in our first blog and has been weighing on my conscience for quite some time.

I was late for work in the morning and so my driving was slightly erratic. I was going a little over the speed limit as I passed a school and up ahead was a small group of seagulls. I didn't bother slowing down because as I mentioned I was running a little behind time and birds always seem to move out of the way in time. Well this time one was not quick enough. I felt a thump on the front of my car and as glanced back in the rear view mirror I saw a puff of feathers and a small white lump lying on the road. That's not the worst part though.

I had hit the bird directly over a children's crossing. There were primary school students standing beside the road waiting to cross. I had killed this bird a metre or two away from these kids. I have probably scarred them for life.

Signed: The Animal Murderer P

Are you even listening to me?

Boys vs Girls Session 1

Topic: Communication

Lecturer: Esteemed P

I'd like to start off this lecture by directing your attention to the topic: Boys vs Girls. I do not wish to mislead anyone. These series of lectures are not about who is better, boys or girls, but rather on the differences between the two sexes. However, I have entitled it as I have, because I know that everything in life is a competition. I will try to remain unbiased but it will be difficult as I have, since birth, been aware of the universal truth that boys suck and girls rule

A male peer of mine commented on something a few weeks ago that I have been pondering ever since. He, being a male and older than me, decided to impart what he obviously thought was a great pearl of wisdom. (Thanks buddy but I've really got on quite fine until now without your 'astute' observations into the female psyche. I am, after all, a girl and have been for the past 22 years so you would think I would have some idea of what's going on.) I appreciated that he cared enough about me to instruct and guide me, become a mentor if you will, but I was not %100 about this particular piece of advice. He said that sometimes girls don't want you to help them with their problems but rather, that they just want someone to listen to them. I would disagree slightly with that and say sometimes, as a girl, I don't even care if you are listening or not. I just need someone there so I don't look like a rambling lunatic having a conversation with myself. I don't need any response from you at all, I just need you to sit there so that if someone passes by they will think I'm conversing with you.

I must apologise if this is a rude shock to anyone. It is not true in all circumstances and I'm certain nobody else would be so terribly inconsiderate. Now class, any questions or comments? I'm not yet a mother or a wife so I know that I'm not yet Always Right.