Bombshell

Dear Henry Cavill,
wow this is really awkward I don't even no where to begin. I've recently received news that you're engaged to be married to a certain young hussy cow bitc lady named Ellen Whitaker. This came as quite a shock, did you not read my last letter? I was quite concerned that I had received no reply for some months but just assumed you were too busy swanning around being incredibly charming and ridiculously good looking. This however, was totally unexpected. Where on earth did this come from? I wasn't even aware you had a girlfriend, much less a smoking hot, blonde bimbo, international show jumping champion! I'm so sorry for writing to you earlier I feel terrible as I would never knowingly try to break you and your girlfriend/fiance up no matter who she was.

That being said I am a little concerned that you may be rushing into this without really considering if she is quite the right person for you or if maybe someone else (me), would be a more appropriate match. I mean granted, she is a horse jumping champion, but she has 12 horses. Bit extravagant don't you think? I know nothing about show jumping (I can learn if you really want me to) but I do know that you can only use one horse at a time so what's the point in having 12? Especially if one happens to be the most expensive horse to be imported in to England at the staggering price of 1,000,000 Euros. I think these two facts reveal a lot about how her relationships work as well. Having 12 horses obviously means shes a slu she doesn't value loyalty or monogamy. The million euro horse she has she doesn't even own, her dad bought it! Imagine the lavish and expensive gifts she will expect from you Henry (I would never ask for anything except your love and devotion).

Henry all I ask is that you just think carefully before you marry Ellen and in the end follow your heart. I will always love you and respect the choice you make and if you do choose her and get married and then quite suddenly after the wedding all her horses legs are being broken and the tires on her car are always slashed and then she gets killed in a horrific hit and run accident I just want you to know that I will be there for you.........every day.......waiting outside your house

Yours ever affectionately (and seriously way more affectionately than any aristocratic English girl would ever be capable of)

P