Sunday, September 25, 2011
For a girl!
Let it be known that despite popular opinion I am not that short......for a girl. My height has been the point of much mirth and deridement over the past few years, usually by the opposite gender. Yes, I am shorter than most males but this is not unnatural at all and really not that funny. In fact it is the most natural thing and shows how incredibly normal my height is. As we learn in school humans are sexually dimorphic meaning one gender, in our case males, are generally physically larger than the other, females. Many women seem to attract ridicule from men regarding their height but really it's like teasing someone for having two arms or using their legs to walk. Sexual dimorphism does not mean men are better than women because they are usually larger and stronger. Did you know that women produce antibodies faster than men meaning we are less likely to catch infectious dieseases and will be able to get rid of them quicker! So ladies next time some smart Alec decides to make a quip about how you are "vertically challenged" smile to yourself and remember that in a few years when there is some terrible pandemic spreading throughout the world like something out of an 80s apocalyptic horror movie you shall be far more likely to be one of the few survivors than he will
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Hyberbole - it's my favourite sport.
"Freedom! Liberty! Tyranny is dead!" I am sure you have heard this cried in the streets. Not in the wake of Hussein's capture or Gaddafi's absence but in the suburban streets of this very nation. Joyous house wives and/or hubbies, gather their children around them, and with bright eyes and voices that quaver ever so slightly they say 'dream, children, dream - our dark clouds have lifted and our futures are what we make of it!' You see, the bane of our western lives have been scrounged by an enterprising, innovative and fearless company who dared to imagine a life unyoked by our cruel master - the dastardly washing peg. Thank God Ezyline, the peg-less clothesline, has saved us all from falling over because we had to carry those unwieldy and colourless pegs. Now our clothes can hang in the eternal sunshine, soaking up the glorious warmth and come off the line not by the wind or some other element to which those pegs so villanously gave them up to, but by our own hand and most probably, cleaner and brighter, and ironed and folded. Such is the legend of our noble liberator! We are "free from the tyranny of pegs", thank you Ezyline - I will name my first born after you.
Isn't this fun. You take something fairly ordinary. You open a thesaurus. And hey presto! Sensation. Calamity. Scandal. Yet again, the Phoenix rises. Sport, and there is more of it.
I was driving past a new housing estate in Perth, the sign by the entry told of wonder akin to the grandiose settings of a Tolkien novel, "...Blocks that will leave you stunned!" I took a look around, I wondered if I should call my mum and let her know what I was up to - who knows how long I could have layed there in the car, zonked out by the all the glory? Um, well yeah - my vitals remained steady, I wasn't even at a loss for words, 'anticlimax' being only the first in a long line, feeling hungry I continued my search for lunch.
Other favourites; Lindsy Lohan likes a tipple and a line of grown-up's sherbet followed by a short drive in her fast car. Good heavens! How could I neglect to mention - she isn't... SUNSMART!!!! The tragedy of a red head with freckles. Yes, all of this information was in one paragraph of a whole article in some hard hitting gossip magazine. Drink Coke and welcome to the eternal fountain of forever young, hotness, back flips and being held on to by the love of your life. Def not rotten teeth, bloated belly and caffeine addiction, don't be silly.
And yet, as ridiculous as all this paints society, I love it. Heck, I contribute to it almost with every sentence I breathe. So join me, get fit, get hyper-boling.
Isn't this fun. You take something fairly ordinary. You open a thesaurus. And hey presto! Sensation. Calamity. Scandal. Yet again, the Phoenix rises. Sport, and there is more of it.
I was driving past a new housing estate in Perth, the sign by the entry told of wonder akin to the grandiose settings of a Tolkien novel, "...Blocks that will leave you stunned!" I took a look around, I wondered if I should call my mum and let her know what I was up to - who knows how long I could have layed there in the car, zonked out by the all the glory? Um, well yeah - my vitals remained steady, I wasn't even at a loss for words, 'anticlimax' being only the first in a long line, feeling hungry I continued my search for lunch.
Other favourites; Lindsy Lohan likes a tipple and a line of grown-up's sherbet followed by a short drive in her fast car. Good heavens! How could I neglect to mention - she isn't... SUNSMART!!!! The tragedy of a red head with freckles. Yes, all of this information was in one paragraph of a whole article in some hard hitting gossip magazine. Drink Coke and welcome to the eternal fountain of forever young, hotness, back flips and being held on to by the love of your life. Def not rotten teeth, bloated belly and caffeine addiction, don't be silly.
And yet, as ridiculous as all this paints society, I love it. Heck, I contribute to it almost with every sentence I breathe. So join me, get fit, get hyper-boling.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
It's that time again...
So, spring has sprung which means so have my sinuses. Yes ladies and gents it's time for another rant against hayfever......or is it? As it turns out it actually isn't. Oh no this blog is actually a casting call for a new musical I shall be writing. This musical shall be a prequel to a famous movie/book and shall explain how the main antagonist, an evil witch, came to be the way she is. Sound familiar? Wait and see!
My musical shall be a prequel to The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and shall explain why the White Witch decided to cast Narnia into perpetual winter. You see its my belief that she was a longterm sufferer of hayfever. Frustrated year after year by irritated sinuses, dry, itchy eyes and little relief from medication she decided to cast a spell which would ensure, in Narnia, it was never spring. Unfortunately what she did not realise is that it would mean the seasons would not move past winter, for you cannot have a summer without a spring.
The musical will conclude with the revelation of the real key to the demise of the White Witch. After so many years being clothed in winter and the very sudden change to spring brought about by Aslan the eruption of pollen into Narnia's air was so great that the witch was severely weakened by a debilitating bout of hayfever and was thus much easier to over come.
Expressions of interest are now open for positions of musical director, stage manager, costume designer and members of the cast
My musical shall be a prequel to The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and shall explain why the White Witch decided to cast Narnia into perpetual winter. You see its my belief that she was a longterm sufferer of hayfever. Frustrated year after year by irritated sinuses, dry, itchy eyes and little relief from medication she decided to cast a spell which would ensure, in Narnia, it was never spring. Unfortunately what she did not realise is that it would mean the seasons would not move past winter, for you cannot have a summer without a spring.
The musical will conclude with the revelation of the real key to the demise of the White Witch. After so many years being clothed in winter and the very sudden change to spring brought about by Aslan the eruption of pollen into Narnia's air was so great that the witch was severely weakened by a debilitating bout of hayfever and was thus much easier to over come.
Expressions of interest are now open for positions of musical director, stage manager, costume designer and members of the cast
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Cruel to be Kind
To the little girl sitting with her parents next to me in Dome
Yes. Your mum does want to go on a holiday with Sarah ALL BY HERSELF! I'm sure she is aware that YOU ARE HER DAUGHTER TOO but it's quite obvious that you are not the favorite so get the flip over it. And to be perfectly honest if you were my child I'd be taking Sarah too. I'm sure your sister doesn't sit there and interrupt conversations your parents are having every 10 seconds with insightful comments such as YOU AREN'T EATING ANYTHING! ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO EAT THAT? YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO EAT IT WHY AREN'T YOU EATING IT? Sarah isn't here and apart from being your sister I have no other knowledge of her but Im quietly confident her voice is not as loud and irritating as yours. Yet another reason as to why your mother is choosing her over you to go on a holiday to some, as yet, undisclosed location.
Yes. Your mum does want to go on a holiday with Sarah ALL BY HERSELF! I'm sure she is aware that YOU ARE HER DAUGHTER TOO but it's quite obvious that you are not the favorite so get the flip over it. And to be perfectly honest if you were my child I'd be taking Sarah too. I'm sure your sister doesn't sit there and interrupt conversations your parents are having every 10 seconds with insightful comments such as YOU AREN'T EATING ANYTHING! ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO EAT THAT? YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO EAT IT WHY AREN'T YOU EATING IT? Sarah isn't here and apart from being your sister I have no other knowledge of her but Im quietly confident her voice is not as loud and irritating as yours. Yet another reason as to why your mother is choosing her over you to go on a holiday to some, as yet, undisclosed location.
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